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Ashish Bhandari - My Blog
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I Dreamed a Dream too!
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

I dreamed a dream too…a dream to live
I dreamed and dreamed and dreamed
I dreamt that life would be so easy
But it fell from pieces to bits in no time

I dreamt that living was easier
But fell again, deeper and deeper
What surrounded me was nothing
Yet the presence of nothing let me feel
Feel that something was still there
Left with me around…
I thought I lived, I felt alive!


My dream was no wine, no palace
My dream was no divine, no evil
I simply dreamed about being alive
A dream to live, a dream to be!
I was given a name!! Was it me?
I was to grow on….but why?
I was to perish…but why?
If it is to perish, how to live…?


I dreamed again, it was dark….!
I dreamed again it was light…!
I dreamed again it was neither…
Could it be…….?? I wondered!

Light was to perish yet it showed…!
Dark had to vanish, why to appear?
I wondered if life’s same..!
I dreamed again, I was alive!
I lived and so I dreamed…!
I lived and so I dreamed…I dreamed!
I woke up….felt around…
I got united with bits to pieces!
I dreamed from bits to pieces…
From bits to pieces I dreamed!!!

July 7, 2009 | 4:20 AM Comments  0 comments
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In Dilemma!
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

“What am I supposed to do? Should I be following my beliefs, my thoughts or should I believe what this reality shows me. My conscience does not make any difference; my consciousness does not seek any difference and my righteousness foresees no hindrance. I have created my values, my norms, my rules and my own regulations but, why care for the society to either follow or deny few or all of them. If I just begin following my belief, I would be obsessed with a realm of complete fantasy but happiness would be unbounded while on the other hand, if I defy my principles, deny my own rules, I got to live by the rules of this reality which will always bring me pain and sufferings; more of which I have never seen and never wish to see.”

I used to think, “Man! Why in the world have I got these issues huh? What’s the matter with me? Am I the only one like this?” and mark my word when I say, I literally used to think that I am the only one this weird in this big, round planet we live in! Man! What a fool I was! I really used to think that I was some kind of a great writer depicting his thoughts in stories and poems and essays. But, truth has its way, doesn’t it? It’s just that it may never be always on the way we expect it to be! (I totally stole this line! Hahahaha! Isn’t this funny?)

Wait a second! I forgot something. I was…um………well not that great but somehow a big fan of the anime series ‘Dragon Ball Z’ and whenever I used to get angry….i just thought…
“Wait you all…just wait for your doom…one day I will just destroy you all with a blow of my ‘Kamehameha’ (a projectile of giant energy wave thrown away by the hero of the series.)” Just think how stupid I could have been and to make it worse I was 18! Isn’t this funny too! And let me inform you all, at the time I was writing this I was 19 years, 6 months, 5 days and 2 hours old….( God knows how many minutes, seconds, nanoseconds, picoseconds and so on and on had passed!)

Okay! I guess it’s time to get back to the track or else they would throw me out of the race... (Lol…! What a dumb phrase I have created…) Anyways, where was I…Oh yes! I was talking of some sort of wisdom thing wasn’t I? Oh yeah! I was talking about my confusion and my fears…….! I was kind of confused of what to believe and what to follow?

I……had a dream…A dream where all of us lived in harmony………. (Man! I ain’t Mr. Luther King, am I? So, I guess I got to skip the speech part…) Anyways I thought why not be an alchemist? Turn metals to gold….Wow! That would be awesome wouldn’t it be? No worries, talk to the wind…or the sun…even talk to the clouds… (Well a slight glimpse of ‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho.) But, this dream of mine had a short commercial in between so that I could entangle myself with other nonsense. But the commercial break ended up with a bang and in my series of dream it introduced few new concepts……..sorcery, alchemy, atheism, agnosticism, polytheism, witchcraft, wizardry and so on and on and on…….Just they would never stop. I began hallucinating about things, arguing with myself of whether did they exist…or not! Was it good to follow one of them? But I never had an answer.

Now, as I come to think of it…..either I must be still dreaming or I must really have at least some logical explanation for any one of these that I believed but damn it! I was already confused of what I believed and what should I believe? Okay! let’s do this then….
“Just add a few bits of sodium in few drops of chlorine and what we get is sodium chloride….well this is something we can prove. But, someone comes to me and says, kiddo let’s go…or else Indra would get angry or Jesus is waiting, or something like that what am I supposed to do?”

I can’t deny it but neither can I accept it! That’s the point where I and many like me create a realm, where everything that exists is known by us! This becomes so interesting, so beautiful, and so seductive (not talking about sexual seduction though in some it may exist) that very few of us want to open our eyes. These experiences create a lifelong existing overwhelming experience of something that does feel like reality but can’t be found around! But seeking for it nobody sees no harm nor do any of us feel reluctant. And confusion arises such that you, me or any of us in no way want to believe that nothing’s certain. What we believe could be real…….well at least there is a possibility with a logic that even for a rumor to be carried away some characters must be present, some incidents has had to happen! And these few knowledge as stated ‘Little Knowledge is Dangerous’ prove this very statement completely true………and though we believe in something completely uncertain, there are lot of other commonly accepted things that have remained uncertain for ages and will be for eternity…these few bits of knowledge could do a great deal of things and mark my word when I say this……

So, I ended up with contradicting myself, jumping out of one topic to another just reaching nowhere yet grasping to something unseen….. (Just kidding!). Well, whatever’s been stated are some personal experiences not to be entangled with. And these are really some serious issues too!


June 18, 2009 | 1:05 PM Comments  1 comments
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In Search Of God
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

"For something to have an end, it has to begin: but what of those which never began they just never end……………………" a person was giving his speech. I was just passing by, and a few words from him did interest me too. So I stood there, in the crowd being one of them, listening, as he proceeded.

"What God is there for being prayed for? Who God is there to be with us? Has anyone just seen God? I bet none has even heard God. Is he dumb, or what? We talk so much, how he could be so silent. For me, Gods are inventions of us, of our creative mind, a mere illusion created by ourselves just because of insufficiency of someone to blame upon when things simply go wrong…………………."

He kept on speaking, but my mind was blown away, somewhere else. I was getting confused everyday; every time that whether or not could God exist. I used to fight with myself for this. I did not want t think these things but I felt I was obliged to, as if an unknown force was forcing me for it, a path as if it was for me to live and walk. As I was thinking, I was suddenly disturbed by a stroke. Someone was asking something. I turned around but amazing…………..just…………..the….there was no one.

At that moment the person was speaking something strange. He was talking of dreams…………..
"The existence of Gods is proof less and lies just beyond the boundaries of dreams bound by the limits of thoughts and beliefs; sometimes appearing so real that our mind gets confused comparing dreams with reality unknown of what's real and what exactly is to be virtual. Gods, if we go to specific characteristics, are fools. Let I give an example; Gautam Buddha, he just gave up his life just to know how not to give it up……………"

He kept on speaking, but I heard something else too; something else from the murmurs of people and the speech. Somebody caught me and asked, "What's going on here?" The voice was commanding. I hardly could speak. But as I turned back there was no one again. Now this was being too much. Was I really dreaming or was there someone. I was getting completely disturbed and I thought that it was already late. So I moved on.

I came to my house and as soon as I entered my mother started scolding me, "Is this the time to come home, bla….. Bla……….bla………….."

That was enough for me. I went to my room and lay down. I was not hungry and though it was too early I had a will to sleep. I lay on the bed but couldn't sleep as if something was restricting me


from sleeping. The words came alive in my ears. I couldn't forget what the person had said.


My mind began wandering away. I thought of places floating in air, of Gods and heaven. I thought, could they really exist? Then I felt asleep.

That night I felt amazed. I had such wonderful dreams but I couldn't speak of them. They were beyond my verbal reach. Every time I tried to speak, it was as if my words disappeared within my mouth. It was as if I was wordless as if I was just speechless.

In the morning, I woke up. I ran out, washed my face and came in again. I opened the T.V. but unfortunately the T.V. line was gone. But then it came back to normal. The news was on; there I saw something that interested me solely.

I saw the man; the man who gave the speech yesterday. He had been caught and the news stated that all his followers are being searched and their photographs were shown there. Unbelievable among them one was
Mine. I was amazed and at the same time confused and worried I mean what had I done. But it was too late. People came down to my house and arrested me and took me away. I was hopeless. Everyone shouted and cried but all was useless. I just had done nothing. My only mistake had been to stand and listen to the damned speech. I became hopeless. Others had been caught too. Now we were taken to a religious centre and to the public it was announced that
"Those who raise their voices against the God, their tongue shall be ripped of away from their mouth and those who rise against the God, shall they be buried in their own ego"

I couldn't think anything. Everything was hopeless. We all were at such a strange place. I had never seen such a place before. It was filled with monks and nuns, priests and yogis, walls covered by idols and rooms filled with those strange peoples. The place was peculiarly strange. Life there was completely different and we were to be a part of it.

Few of the people, did rebel against this act and they were carefully spotted out and right there in front of us they were slaughtered mercilessly in the name of the almighty: the God. I thought to myself "what God would such things as slaughtering in his name. It's just insane."

Since that day we were daily preached of God and his heavenly deeds and supernatural powers. If anybody spoke against it, it was already shown what would happen, so nobody dared to speak. We were forced to believe in the existence of God. We were preached,

“God is incorporeal, divine, supreme, infinite mind, spirit, soul, principle, life, truth and love.”, each a fact that we couldn’t deny. Everything that couldn’t be defined was named God. And now these type of manners were making me angry moreover forcing me simply not to believe in God, but something within me was fighting against my thoughts forcing my belief as if it were a part of my life as if I couldn’t live without it.

Everyday was passing on like that. The person who gave the speech was already dead and the rest couldn’t raise their voice. But one day something happened, a tremor was felt on the earth.

The monks and the priests, they all believed it to be a warning from the God; they thought that God was angry and began preparing to save all from this wrath. All were busy in that and one day, we all fled away from these though unknown where we could go, it was better than this we thought. But by mistake I was left alone in the forest, saying simply I was lost in the forest. I had to move alone though I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I couldn’t go back as my life was dear to me and neither could I go further unknown of the way.

I thought that these all had happened to me for my will to move on in search of the almighty. But I did not wish it to be this way. I wanted others to hear what happened though they might not exactly believe in me. Yet I was determined to find my answer “Were Gods there?”, yet I was confused.

Then again I heard someone speak to me, a soft and tender voice, same as I had heard on the road during the speech. I looked all around but I found no one. It spoke to me, it asked
“What’s the matter?”

I was afraid but my body was firm as if my mind was already aware of “who it was?” Then I felt, the voice came from within me. I heard it, it was no mistake, but id did come from me and I was sure of it. It was not the voice of God, it was my voice, and it was the voice from my inner self. It was the voice of my belief.

And it gave me the answer to my question,
“God is truth if you believe and God is faith if you possess.”

I somehow did manage to get out from there, learning two great things,
“Firstly never stand on the road listening to any unknown’s person’s speech.”
And second and a very important thing I learnt was,

“God is never to be found if searched for, for God is truth if you believe and God is faith if you possess”

“I never found God but he might have found me. Who knows what God is likely to be!”




BY:- ASHISH BHANDARI

November 3, 2008 | 3:33 AM Comments  1 comments
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A DREAM
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

Ouch! you fools! I'll kill you fools; away you go
I touch you my angel...... bloody scorpions.......... they sting
I kiss your wrist, I kiss your lips......... a snake bites me
I fall over a cliff and die; wake another morning

November 3, 2008 | 3:32 AM Comments  0 comments
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MODERN NEPAL...........OR IS IT SO......???
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

Doubt waits everywhere. Everywhere I go, suspicion is what waits! I cannot even blackball the fact how they have bewitched the so called Modern Nepali society. Politics; a term, a subject it has become of confusion, conspiracy and bribery. Belief, faith and trust have long lost their way in a deep maze of doubt and chaos. Well somebody once said, “When you are in doubt be silent”. But even silence is suspicious here.

Everywhere, the talks of the constituent assembly, election, 7-party alliance, the Maoists and so on and on and on. Suddenly from nowhere something happens, prices raise and the talks change, talks raise to rage, to demonstrations and rally, murderous conspiracy, hoax, plots and traps they all take birth and so called the modern citizens fall under the traps knowing not what they do, where they go! Our country has become a doodle; a doodle whose meaning is a restless one, you can do anything. Everyone has their own way of expression yet expressing nothing.

Sweet talks and sweets, people are after them, not after their future. People are completely void of this thought. “Too many cooks do have spoiled the broth” in our country, nothing is stable and yet no one is to blamed for mistake is of all. No proper co-operation, no proper relation exists between people as well with the government and who is to be blamed, well no one. But yet each blames the other and keep watching; doing nothing as if nothing has happened; doing bloody nothing.

Government tax and revenue disappears as if an illusion, loans and donations vanish as if by magic and in prestige comes more hoax and conspiracy within. All eyes have been blindfolded one way or the other, all ear dumb, people feel themselves but fail to feel the unity. Hands are cut before they are joined, eyes poked before vision, tongues cut before words pronounced, fingers sliced and chopped before raised, legs broken before steps, hearts attacked before feelings, brains tumor before thoughts and even water and air poisoned with fear and doubt. It is all that remains: fear, doubt and chaos, yet people forget to think again though they know, but consulate themselves with blames to the rest. This is Nepal or should I say, Modern, Liberal, Free, New Nepal or………………….is it so?

November 3, 2008 | 3:30 AM Comments  0 comments
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